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I've been struggling with my recovery spiritually, emotionally & physically this year. I can't believe its been 8 months since our adoption. My dreams of being a new mommy again at 42 have exceeded all my expectations. However, I remind myself daily that I'm *not* that mommy who had boundless energy & freedoms that come with young children full time at home. The challenge now is balancing 3 ....15, 12 & 1. I spent years being afraid of this change. The pain of loss was so deep in my heart that it squashed or covered up the desires I had to have more children. I didn't want to cheat my children of what I had to offer them when I was a "younger" mom. It became an inconvenience in my mind that I would have to change or give up something. Yes, its been a huge change in my daily life. Some days I feel like a recluse or all alone (there's not any 40+ new moms in my circle:) Do playgroups even allow moms like me? I feel lost some days, but when it all comes down to it.....God gave me my deepest desire. He waited years to accomplish His miracle in my life. He knew I would not have the same energy or lifestyle I had over 15 years ago. He believed in me. He was patient with me. He loved me.
I don't bounce out of bed, like I did when the kids were little. M & H make their own breakfast & school lunches.....ugh... a pang of guilt, but they are also in a different season.
They love watching me play games on the floor with Zoie, they smile (smirk) when I sing all the "old" songs again. Ok...they shake their head a little when I dance around the high chair to make Zoie take one more bite of squash. M asked me last night....you really love being a mom, don't you. I LOVE being a mom to 3 very unique, different children. My kids have never fit in any box....they keep me creative, challenged & hopping. I'm grateful that they love me just the way I am. 42, lots of mistakes, lots of forgiveness, lots of hugs & lots of love.
I'm thankful God loves me even when I'm not my best at being wife or mom.
No matter where God takes me in the future....I can be a mom anywhere in the world.
Collaboration request
9 months ago
Thank you for this authentic post! You are certainly not alone in your feelings- I almost giggle now at the boys baseball games that I am the one trying to entertain a baby. I watched moms for years doing the same thing and feeling so sorry for them!! :) God has such a sense of humor. Can't wait to meet you guys this summer.
ReplyDeleteI love your post. You are an inspiration to so many women. I am 35 and getting ready to bring home our baby girl soon. I hope to adopt again later but have been having feelings that I might be too "old" by the time we can afford it again. 42's the new 32, right?! Thanks for that post. Needed to hear it!
ReplyDeleteJulie
YES and AMEN!
ReplyDeleteYou inspire me. I am a 46 year old mom of 3. We are in process of adopting from Ethiopia as well.
And although God put adoption in my heart years and years ago, and I stongly feel "the call" to adoption (we've got so much more love to give!)
I sometimes question and doubt and get into a bit of fear too I guess....espically because of my age.
Anyway, I don't want to write a book here...Just know that you are an inspiration and for what it's worth- from the view out here in blog land...
You are doing an amazing job at being Mom!
Blessing to you and your family!
C.
(The Mathews Family)
Love your post! I am in nearly the same boat as you are! I am 40 and I have a 15 (almost 16), 11 and 3 year old! :) We thought we were done...but God wasn't finished with us being parents again! So, we went to China to get our daughter! :) I am so glad that God knows what He is doing..if it had been up to me, I would have missed out on our wonderful blessing- Klaire! I am so thankful He is in contol!
ReplyDeleteI loved getting to meet you at K'Kauai this past summer! Hope to see you again soon!
Love,
Julie Wilson
www.immeasurablymorejw.blogspot.com
Kari,
ReplyDeleteYou are a fabulous mom! So glad you are a mom willing to share your heart with others. Being transparent really allows God to speak to others - He is very pleased with you friend!
Love you lots,
Kim
WOOHOOOO Kari!!! So glad I skipped over to your blog friend! OK, so I'm 47 with a 1, 6, 6, 10,14, 15, 17, 21, and 22 year old. I get it for sure. Example: It's Spring break here in Oregon and yesterday I went to the Children's Museum with Sege, Isabelle, Abigail and baby Sarah(Meseret) on my back. I spent the entire day bumping elbows with mommies twenty years my junior. Today it was rollerskating(I must admit I just watched with baby on my back. The three girls and big brother Denis went around and around. Tommorrow it will be the science museum. My back is killing me and I am exhausted. I told Ray that I feel my age tonight, but then I did still get the job done. Everyone is happy and doing well. I keep thinking maybe you and I will be sipping lemonade in heaven some day and being so thankful that our "real treasure" will be right there with us. Praise the Lord that he opened our eyes and we didn't miss the best...our children!!...Even if it is hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteLove and miss you,
Theresa
Sweet friend...I am so there with you. It is tough to balance the age gaps. I struggle with all that as well. I do not have the energy many days either and there are so many other things that pull me away from being "that" mom that I really want to be. The first child got my undivided attention but I was always stressed out. The second got my attention while I was running around chasing a toddler. The third does not get near enough attetion but I am much happier and carefree as a mother.
ReplyDeleteIt all comes around in the end. God's timing is perfect. Always has been, always will be. Love you!